When I was in college, I read Martin Buber’s I and Thou. Although I can’t say that I totally remember it, I was moved enough by what I read that it stayed in my consciousness for the rest of my life. There are so many unsaid things in that simple phrase: I and Thou.
Currently, I am re-reading The Lord Is My Shepherd: Healing Wisdom of the Twenty-third Psalm. In the book, Rabbi Harold Kushner brings up Buber’s book and brings clarity to the main theme. People relate to each other, he says, either by a concept of “I and It” or “I and Thou.”
If motivated by “I and It,” the “I” considers the other person an object–someone to be acted upon, or a person who is a reflection of our worth–a trophy wife, for example, or dating the star quarterback in high school not because you like him, but because of his position on the team.
“I and Thou,” by contrast. considers the other person a subject of curiosity. What is he or she feeling? What do they want? How can we relate to each other? If the other person is sad, can I feel that sadness, feel empathy, for that person? Kushner goes on to say that this is how God relates to humans. We are not to be manipulated for His pleasure. When we feel sorrow, so does He.
The Connection to Romance
What does this have to do with romance?
“I and It” could never be the subject of a good romance. It’s a manipulative relationship, the kind that rarely leads to happily ever after. It’s a concept we tend to associate with villains. Sometimes heroes and heroines may start out in an “I and It” relationship, but the happily ever after is never achieved until the relationship shifts to “I and Thou.”
Each person has to see the person for whom he or she really is and to empathize with their feelings. Of course, the happily ever after is only the beginning of a lifetime of study–each of us of ourselves as well as the other person and the dynamics of the relationship itself.
That hope for the future is why I read romance. Perhaps you do to. It is a wonderful antidote to a world where “I and It” relationships seem to abound.
I and Thou
I have to admit, I am a very curious person. I really do want to know how another person ticks, what moves them, and how they arrive at the conclusion they do. I’m very open to discussion two of the three things you’re never supposed to discuss in polite society: religion and politics. (As long as the conversation remains civil, that is.)
In my life, I try, not always successfully, to retain that “I and Thou” mentality, from teaching school, to dealing with clerks in this very busy season.
My hope is you will consider this stance as well.
Have a very happy holiday season. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, Kwanzaa greetings–whatever your belief. We have only a week more of growing darkness before the light begins again.
Hallelujah!
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